Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
