remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
