Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
