How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
