yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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