I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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