His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
