His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You're breaking my sexual little heart
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
