in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
