I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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