Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
