can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
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He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
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We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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