somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
