Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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