life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
we're making bets on your personal life
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
