YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
where does the pee come out of this thing
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
