you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
