woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
