So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
