Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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