you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize