i think my tv is drunk
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
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