we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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