I don't usually arrange sex via text message
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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