I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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