I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
