I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
