I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
