I'm so fucking centered right now
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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