Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You pole danced in your parka.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
