3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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