she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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