You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
