Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
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