I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.