That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.