I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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