i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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