Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
