Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
