Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
