Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
