Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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