We got so high we made milksteak
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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