Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
