then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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