Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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