my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
