I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
