Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
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She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i've created a new STD.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
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is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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