True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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