i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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