She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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