I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
