Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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