when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
