No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
