I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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