When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
