I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Randomize
