I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Im part way to drunk.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
