so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
