Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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